“Yeah, I know your ways
Already read all your plays, yeah
I think I’m booked for tomorrow, yeah
And today just ain’t your day, ayy ayy
I see you feedin’ they hate
See the bodies that you take
We do not break, never no breaks…” – KB
So today….. today was so fun, but it included a few not so fun moments. It was one of those sweet picturesque days that I will cherish the photos from and remember the “cringey” parts at the same time. *See picture below*… cute right!?
What you didn’t see is last night and what started as a weekend that wasn’t so cute or fun. They cried, I cried…. a lot. I guess I had been living in the twilight zone for a little bit and I was reminded how truly hard being a single parent of two amazing toddlers really is. It’s one of those things where you know you made all (most) of the overall right choices and still wonder what the heck you’re doing every single day.
So, back to last night. These babies would not go to sleep with me. They didn’t want me, they actually wanted anyone BUT me. And in all honesty, I was human and my heart kind of broke. It’s already hard to be both voices of discipline and love… but then when they reject the love part you really feel like it’s because of the discipline part. (If that’s makes any sense at all!?). I am also having to spend a lot of time working and doing my own homework while trying to stay sane, so I just felt all around like I was failing and not with them enough. I am a pretty compartmentalized person. So, I usually am able to separate feelings and work and momming, but I guess I let the compartments jumble together because I was not ok with it.
Then, let’s get to this morning. We got ready to go to the Safari Park with our sweet friends. Morning was going great. Then it wasn’t. YIKES. Four year old mad and hungry (in route to Chic fi la), two year old literally yelling for me to play the same (awful) song over and over. I was almost dreading the hour drive to the Safari Park… then a sweet voice of reason in my life stepped in- called, told me to breathe, prayed for me out loud over the phone, then said “put it on speaker phone” so they could talk to some sense into these kiddos. And guess what… it worked. We had the best morning and the kids LOVED the Safari! All 5 kids between us were amazing and sweet and so fun!
So let’s skip to after… I know… so many details to to get to the moral of the story but hang on! We left the park, headed back to town and the kids wanted some lunch. So we stop at the Mexican place and guess what Ellie does!? Ice skating is on the TV, she stands up to practice her skating 😳, and she then almost tips over the entire table and salsa and water go flying. No, I’m not kidding. I was so mad. Like had to breathe mad so I didn’t say something I later wished I didn’t say. She was also mortified, so I really didn’t have to say much anyways. Needless to say, I was again feeling like I just didn’t have it anymore as a mom. What seemed so easy before like taking my kids out to eat alone like I have done 100+ times became such a task. When did life change!? I was in my head and Satan was running through my mind spewing lies of incompetency and self doubt.
I dropped my kids off at my grandmas so I could recoup, get some laundry done, and honestly cry. Then my same, sweet voice of reason calls me back and said “get it all out” and I finally voiced my fears and concerns. Sometimes God brings these people in our lives that we need right when we need them…He is good at that. I was reminded that I am tougher and I am better than the fear and lies that Satan was telling me today. Honestly I was reminded to suck it up too! Gods mercies and grace are new EVERYDAY and it is ok that I was human today but I can be shown grace and win tomorrow. And if I don’t win tomorrow, we will try again the next day, and the next. Oh, and salsa comes out with these stain removing skills right here! So it’s better to laugh than cry about it anyways!
The lyrics at the top are from KBs song “Not Today Satan”. I am telling Satan over and over “I think I’m booked for tomorrow and today just ain’t your day”. I am reminded through the chaos and joy of being a parent, whether a single mom or married, that Satan will come in and hit me where it hurts the most, parenting. He is going to try to steal the joy I carried all week but it’s my CHOICE whether I let him take it and keep it. He is not the one who said it is finished therefore, I know how this story ends. It doesn’t end in defeat and it doesn’t end saying I’m not equipped as a mom. Besides, God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called. God gets the final say and he called me to this job so he won’t let me fail at it either. His mercy is new and he extends grace upon grace to my failures. I am not alone. I have an army of the best people and an army of angels carrying me. I am NOT a “struggling” single mom, because believe me, this village makes me anything but “single” in this fight! (To be honest, this may be the only time I even refer to being a single mom, since I have plenty on my team.)
I am enough. You are enough. We are enough. And as moms, God called us to this beautiful life and he will equip us for just that!
Not Today Satan, you can back up.
Sincerely, Sydney.
Sincerely, Sydney. 